


Find A Way

by paarsetulpen



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Drabble, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-24
Updated: 2013-03-24
Packaged: 2017-12-06 08:14:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/733488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paarsetulpen/pseuds/paarsetulpen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Netherlands muses about his past relationships and his current one with Canada and how they've come this far.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Find A Way

I don't know how this happened to me.

Me, who calculates, measures and plans everything. But it seems that the change of feelings and relationships is something that even the best strategists can't predict.

My first relationship, like most people's, was with my family. My siblings, Belgium and Luxembourg. Belgie was pretty tough even when we were kids and often acted as if she was the older one. Lux was more shy and always depending on me, which annoyed me back then but looking back now, it was kinda cute. We used to tease Belgie together. Heh, good old times.

But no matter how our life turned out to be, I was the eldest and I was responsible for them. This didn't change, not even when we had to live with that bastard Spain. I never needed him. I would let him know that quite obviously. But Belgie and Lux still choose him for some reason. Was he a better big brother than me?

When I tried to re-unite with my family later, they changed so much that we couldn't live together anymore. They grew up and didn't need me anymore. It was a shitty situation but I put up with it somehow. I still had Indonesia.

Indie… It was so easy to make her like me! She was so naive and innocent. All I did was kick out Portugal from her islands and I was already a hero in her eyes. Of course I knew that it won't stay this way forever. I knew that she'll realize everything. Yet we were together for such a long time.

I stubbornly thought that I can keep her with me by force. I'll never forgive myself for what I did to her. Not even the fact that I felt like she betrayed me could be an excuse. She accepted Japan's help when I couldn't do anything against it.

I never thought that Japan would go that far. But he also choose America over me after all.

If I put all these together, the statistics would show that I'm unable to maintain any relationship and eventually everbody leaves. So I didn't search for others. I prefer dealing with things my own way, anyway. Everything I ever reached, I reached it with my own strenght.

But then he came…

He, who is said to be nothing special, who doesn't stand out in any way, he found a way to me.

Of course, I've met him before, but we barely interacted after I was forced to leave his lands. Maybe because I never ruled over him, maybe because he was the only one who helped me during an unusually cruel time or because I was and forever will be in his debt, I let him closer to me. And I got to know him. I loved him.

I wasn't sure if he feels the same way about me but now I have no doubts.

I'm sitting on my bed and I'm almost at the end of my third cigarette. Canada is sleeping peacefully besides me. The first beams of dawn creep in through the holes of the shutters, creating half-light in the small bedroom, where the memory of last night still lingers. It was our first time…

We weren't even high! We only drank a few beers and that's it. And he didn't protest for one minute. We have kissed few times before but only as a joke. This was entirely different. All my concerns disappeared as if they were wiped away. His too. We both wanted this. 

I close my eyes and slowly blow the smoke out. What now? What if he changes his mind too and leaves me? Could I handle that? Maybe I should end this relatioship before it's too late? If Canada wakes up now, should I tell him to go and not come here again? Would I be able to do that?

I open my eyes and look at him. His breathing is slow and calm. His messy golden hair falls into his face, giving him an angelic appearence. His bare shoulder is uncovered by the blanket, exposing his soft skin. On his white neck, there's a little red mark he recieved from me.

I run my free hand through my hair, which is is now hanging down. No, it was too late already. I would not be able to send him away. He already chained himself to me. But this wasn't the kind of chain Spain or Germany had put on me. This chain doesn't hold me back but gives me safety.

Canada choose me.

A sunbeam reaches his face, to which he makes a grimace and opens his lavender-coloured eyes while blinking. He stares in front of himself for a few seconds like he's thinking about something, then looks up to me and blushes a bit. I can't help but smile.

"Good morning, Sleeping Beauty." 

He finally smiles back at me.

"Good morning, Jan."

I turn away a little to put the cigarette out in the ashtray standing on the nightstand. Then I lay back into the bed, fold my hands on my nape and wait. It seems Canada hesitates for a few seconds but eventually he moves closer and drowsily lays his head on my chest. I start to caress his hair with one hand. We stay like this for a few minutes.

I finally break the silence.

"Matthew."

"Yes?"

"I want to stay with you."

He lifts his head, so he can look directly into my eyes. His own eyes are full of serenity and sincerity. When he speaks, his voice is soft yet excited.

"M… me too, Jan. I want to stay with you too."

Then he leans closer and kisses me.

**Author's Note:**

> This was my very first fanfic and it's about 2 years old but I still get compliments for it, so I decided I should put it up here as well. Comments and critiques are appreciated!


End file.
